Do you admire Steve Jobs's ability to create short, concise email replies? We do too! Now you can use this handy tool to practice and hone your own terse skills!

First, create the letter to Steve Jobs...

>Hi Steve,
>I'm a long time Apple fan a long time Apple enemy new to Apple new to hating Apple an iPhone developer an ex-iPhone developer a member of the Cupertino Improvement Society God's gift to Apple Apple's worst nightmare a slimebucket from the Press someone asking for money a clueless user one of the Great Ones still richer than you a Star Trek nerd a LOL cat. a tech junkie a kind soul a person from the future a person from the past a perfectionist, like you a poor slob a super villain a trouble maker a peace maker a long haired hippie freak a straight-talker a wall flower a nervous type a Type A personality a very busy person a train wreck a hacker a geek a Windows Drone Gruber's evil twin a stalker a constant complainer a person with too much time on my hands a goodie-two-shoes a big tough guy a little old lady a grouchy old man a basket-case a robot a genius, of course an idiot a troll Bond. James Bond. a jerk a Gizmodo brat a PC just your average nerd, hoping to post a letter from you on my blog ,
>who loves everything you do. gets most of his facts wrong. is still using floppy disks. is abused by Apple, but loves every minute of it. is still in love with his puck mouse. is still living in his parent's basement. is scared of his own shadow. has less brains than a headless computer. just won the Pulizter Prize. can kill a man just by blogging about them. who is 99 years old this year and wants a free iPad. bought your email address on Craigslist. wonders Big Crunch, or Big Chill? can't stop eating potato chips. emailed Bill Gates, but didn't get a reply. wonders how you put up with all this shit? would like to contribute to the Gizmodo Prosecution Fund. who wishes you would stop picking on the little guys. put a dent in your car last night. Did you notice? recently has rummaged through your garbage. found incriminating pictures of you and your yogurt. Iz Curiouz. feels as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. needs a hit, bad. has a lot of time to kill. would like to offer advice. can see you on my Magic iPad right now. wants to change history. wants some stock tips. has a nit-pick. can't afford an iPhone, but could chip in a little. would like to help you in your hour of need. would like to see Apple go down in flames. sees an opportunity to waste your precious time. would like you to donate to my cause. would like you to chill out, man. wants to tell you like it is! would like a makeover. is very nervous about this email getting into the wrong hands. would like to fix everything for you. would like some information. doesn't normally have time for writing emails. just didn't see it coming. got a bad feeling about this. wants to know your password. wants to work at Apple. is thinking about switching sides. would like to complain. wants to know your every thought. wants to put a smile on your face. thinks you should give me an iPhone. is very happy with my new iPad. doesn't like anything, ever. would like you to stop anesthetizing the masses with your voodoo tech stuff. needs a shoulder to cry on. is just looking for a hand-out. needs constant reassurance that everything is going to be ok. wants to kill all humans. is probably smarter than you. doesn't know how to start up my iPad. would like to have my iPhone camera lens replaced by a tiny gun. wants to get the bad guys. is the bad guys. can't wait to tell all my troll friends that I emailed you! is distracted by shiny objects. can't believe I ate the whole thing! recently suffered brain failure.
>You are insanely great my hero arrogant pompous pretentious rotten my benevolent dictator the wind beneath my wings power-loving, but in a good way grandiose self-important probably just an iPhone app a brain in a vat in the Twilight Zone hidingz my cheezburger, aren'tz you the source for my every breath a wonderful, miraculous person the subject of my wall-to-wall shrine to find Gort and tell him these words... " Klaatu Barada Nikto" scaring me filling my life with inspiration still wearing that damn black turtle neck and jeans making me depressed stepping on my super hero cape to give me ONE BILLION DOLLARS, or I destroy Earth reading this, aren't you blowing my mind, man making me nervous doing it wrong the king of Getting Things Done making me jealous changing the world making stuff faster than I can buy it a very nice man giving me ideas freaking me out exhausting me my boss my boss's boss the bane of my existence going to comply with my orders the subject of my thesis making a fool of me cute when you're angry not here not alone my sunshine you, and that is true. giving me a headache a Cyborg special a pirate where ever you go the medium, not the message a trending topic right wrong so dramatic not what you think a tiny spec in an infinite universe happy and you know it, clap your hands! totally like that guy on Big Bang Theory spinning in space at 700 to 900 miles per hour just a computer simulation misunderstood ,
>but that is beside the point,
>as I have a question about my iPhone my iPad my iPod my MacBook my MacBook Pro my iMac my Newton my Mac SE my one button mouse my no button mouse my dad's cousin's dentist's iPod shuffle the recent charge to my credit card a vegetarian VS a vegan diet electricity my facebook page Flash on the iPad the ending to Toy Story 3 Cheez Burgerz my constantly twitching eye my broken heart the camera I have hidden in your office the time portal, like the one on Star Trek the transporter my tricorder my replicator the rumored Apple Space Ship™ my Magical Device™ my newest member of my family my despondent disposition my lot in life the hand I've been dealt the future your bad temper your old tied dyed t-shirt you left in my washer the will to live my Steve Jobs Fan Club Membership your super powers my comic books my map to your house an Apple jet pack this iPhone I found in a bar my Apple TV hobby Star Wars VS Star Trek. my blow-up doll my Steve Jobs email collection my email sending addiction this letter from Apple's lawyers :
>Will the wifi-only version the 3G version the unit I dropped in the ocean my recent rejection from the iTunes Store the original iPod my out of warranty computer the cute Genius I met at the Apple Store the numbskull Windows user I have to deal with at work the ass kisser that is me the secret unit I found in a bar the hapless sad sack who lost that secret unit the blockheads I live beside the clicking noise my hard drive is making Jonny Ive the Happy Mac the robots that want to take over the world a glass of water that is left overnight on the kitchen counter my tastebuds a rag-tag fugitive fleet of spaceships my cheezburger the Powers That Be the Overlords the Elves in the forest the gremlins encouraging words your schedule my life someone anyone you the history books the Internet computers I my husband my wife my kids my destiny my job my boss the bartender this joke the real world the time and space continuum the future my drama queen antics my disgust towards bat guano my admiration of bat guano-ologists my devotion to Apple anything everything the universe my pet iguana real life chaos the meaning of life my giant brain purchasing your soul my next actions the headlines of tomorrow the degenerate that is my Sys Admin the guy who will only run Linux the whiney blogger who didn't get a review iPad
somehow support tethering? be available on another network besides AT&T? be reconsidered on the iTunes store? be subjected to humiliation? featured on the rumor sites? be forced down the gullets of Apple fans? experience the wrath of Jobs? be blessed with a reply from you? be invited to tour 1 Infinite Loop? become the next Internet meme? be forgotten amongst the sands of time? end up on a gadget site? be sued into oblivion? send me a refund? fix my big-assed iMac? end up in a Joy of Tech comic? be abandoned on an iceflow? be fed to the bloggers? support the latest anti-gravity protocols? be available for download on iTunes? share with me the secret of your success? penetrate my tin foil covered propeller beanie? make the Pharaohs roll in their graves? end Global Warming? prove too much of a temptation for those on the light side of The Force? stop my bedwetting? happenz? be blessed with your one worded response? come with a Missing Manual? cause world peace? cause a global meltdown? dominate the world? result in my ultimate demise? give me lemons? forgive me? work? disappear into thin air? correct itself? give me a sign? go with the flow? find the path less travelled by? inspire millions? come together? find my life's purpose? ever shut up? respond? be another day? read my mind? predict the future? see into another dimension? fall into the wrong hands? get a life? be free? make me happy? send a message to other life forms in outer space? make me do things I don't want to do, like this email program is? free my soul? find my soulmate? find my lost puppy? give hope to the world? dress me up in girly clothes? find me a girlfriend? be the cause of all my problems? remind me of my wife's birthday? extend my battery life? extend my real life? cure me of my Twilight Addiction?
>
>All the best,
>
> Someone out there on the Internet. the Scumbag who is purposely wasting your time. The Conscience of the King Cry Baby Apple Hater, but I mean that in a good way. Numbskull Prize winning Ass Kisser Dumbass Blockhead Larry the Lunatic Machead Douchebag from Redmond Whiner and Complainer Your lover, (in another life) Blogger for Freedom! someone who doesn't mean it the guy in the car parked outside your pool boy An officer of the Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team (REACT) your friend in song, Paul McCartney Bizzarro Steve Jobs Fluffy the kitten someone who constantly seeks your approval No one in particular btw, everything I just wrote is a lie. Zorzox, Supreme Ruler of Galaxy VII your friendly neighborhood Spiderman everyone in your high school who hates you because you got famous Cindi Loo Who Virginia, the girl who asked about Santa Claus the original LOLz cat. your inner child Darth Vader, but please, call me Anakin Head Clown of Crying Clown Town Mr. Creepy Captain Kangaroo Miss Perfect The Happiest Person in the World The Most Miserable Person in the World Rainbow Acid Joe Two Rivers iPad Granny Super Freak, Super Freak One More Thing Phil Schiller's next demo Kitten with the sad eyes Someone who just jumped off a ledge The guy voted "most likely to succeed" your Grade 1 teacher Bitter Betty Oscar the Grouch Charlie Brown, (no not that Charlie Brown.) Gort Evil Incarnate The guy who's figured out Lost Your Wife The Pope Oprah. Yes that Oprah. The guy who writes David Letterman's email replies your Little Voice inside of you Your Evil Missing Twin Gilligan your biggest fans, Larry Page and Sergey Brin the computer that's become self aware Sara Connor Lady Gaga's latest hairstyle The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Persia Frodo The Ghost of OS 9 Team Jacob Exiled guy from Nigeria Miss Manners The Inventor of Spam Woz
>------------------------------

Now create Steve's reply...

No. Nope. No big deal. Nope. Sorry, no. No way. No chance in Hell. No way [expletive]. [expletive], [expletive]. Not to worry. Nada. Yep. OK. If you want porn, get an Android phone. Bill, stop emailing me for ideas. It sounds like you're just looking for someone to get mad at other than yourself. It's not that big of a deal. Are you nuts? We are doing the best we can. I will rain fire and brimsone down upon thee. Life is fragile. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Sent from my iPhone from my iPad straight to the Trash

There you go! See, it's insanely easy to be blunt, once you get the hang of it.

(Sorry, you can't send email with this, that would be evil.)